I wish I had more energy…

Maybe it was the time change, and now the shortening days. Maybe it’s the dumping of snow we’ve gotten in Winnipeg. Maybe it’s pandemic fatigue. Maybe it’s my partner and I [mostly] on our own caring for our daughter since she came into the world last December mid-lockdown. Maybe it’s all of the above. Whatever it is, I have definitely noticed a shift in energy the last couple months. But it’s also been a long year. Well, more than a year now.

I find I’m often saying to myself “I should clean this”, “I should call this person”, “I should put away this clean laundry that’s been sitting in our bedroom for the last five days”, and so on. These continuous “I shoulds” tire me out. I then find I’m saying to myself “I wish I had more energy to do X, Y, and Z”, and seem to make endless lists in my mind. I also have endless lists going on my Google Keep, various Google Docs, written lists in various journals/notebooks, and on scraps of paper, and probably in more places that I can’t recall at the moment. I struggle with focusing on the negative sometimes. I hone in on what’s missing as opposed to what I am doing, what I am accomplishing. Some of these lists and tasks in my head lead to anxiety and worries, usually unrealistic or catastrophized.

Over the last several weeks, I’ve written down some things that I wish I had more energy for, and the resulting guilt/worries/doubts that have come along with those unfulfilled (so far) wishes. I usually feel better when I can journal about my thoughts and feelings (or now blog about them!) Vocalizing all of my “shoulds” and wishes might help me to better define some goals, and to help me go easier on myself (because the next step in this process should be responding to these wishes with things I’ve actually done!)

I wish I had more energy…

…to go on a walk on this beautiful fall day. When will I get a day like this again? I don’t want it to go to waste, do I?

…to talk to my 10-month-old today. What if her language and speech is delayed because I don’t talk to her enough? Will she be able to communicate in age-appropriate ways as time goes on?

…to work on my daughter’s baby book. What if I regret someday not writing things down? What if she’s upset with me later in life for not keeping track of her milestones?

…to write a lovely Instagram/Facebook post about Halloween. I try to document the highlights – will I regret not having a “Baby’s First Halloween” post? How do people have the perfect photos and captions for every occasion and holiday?

…to text my friends back. What if they see my activity on my socials and feel neglected? What if they feel like I don’t care about them?

…to tidy up my home. Is the clutter making me feel worse and chaotic? Why do I leave piles of things everywhere all the time?

…to shower. How many days has it been now – why can I not keep track? Why am I overwhelmed at this simple task?

…for my hobbies. Do I even still like my hobbies? When will I have time for them again?*

When I do have any time or a free moment, I feel the need to zone out to escape from my life. I am so grateful for my daughter and so happy she’s here with us. My daughter is the reason I smile or laugh many days. Seeing her experience the world, and discover/learn new things just about every single day is incredibly fascinating. She gives me a lot of hope, especially when there are days where it feels like it’s hard to find any.

But I cannot neglect to mention how exhausting and all-consuming it is to have a child (particularly in a pandemic and in a new city, away from a usual support system). It is so important we all have a choice when and if we want to have a child. When forced birthers and so-called pro-life people try to use the sentiment above to guilt people into having a child, it’s absolutely unfair. If a person desires a child and feels ready and able, that is amazing! If a person doesn’t feel prepared in any given regard (financial, emotional, physical, anything), then it is absolutely not fair to try and influence their decision on how they would (or would not) like to proceed with their pregnancy. Far too often, people are emotionally manipulated or guilted into continuing their pregnancy when they may have chosen otherwise.

All this to say, the past 18 months+ have been emotionally and mentally draining in too many ways to count. I already struggled to work on the pieces in my life that aren’t working for me, and continue to be easily overwhelmed by fairly minor things at times. Before I know it, it’s been months since I’ve replied to messages, dusted a certain shelf, worked on a particular home project, the list goes on (I will write more on this in another post as I want to air out why I think I am the way I am, and reflect on how I’ve gotten to where I’m at today). Adding a child into the mix has been very hard at times. Only you yourself can decide if you’re ready and able to take on the challenge of raising a human being – whether in a pandemic or otherwise. For now, I think I’ll look at the possibility of adding a nap to my day. Whatever you need to do to get by I say! But like not even to get by, but to feel your best (guess it depends on the kind of day you’re having!)

* This course has been a big undertaking for me. Although it’s not a hobby, thinking about hobbies has me thinking about what I like to do, which has me thinking about how I used to spend my time before having a kid, which in turn makes me think about work. I miss the stimulation of work, the challenges that come along with it (the positive ones, not the difficult co-worker challenges or things like that, haha). I’m going to write more on my thoughts and feelings of seeing many people and fellow moms I’ve met during my parental leave returning to work. In short – I’m jealous!