Note to Self: You are doing amazingly!

But damn, it’s been the hardest challenge of my life (and it’s still going)…

Back in January/February of 2021, in the early days of navigating parenthood, my negative thoughts and negative self-talk were relentless. I was exhausted (as is the case for many). My lack of sleep really fed into my usual negative thinking and anxiety/depression. I obsessed over what was missing, what seemed to be going wrong, and what I thought could go wrong or what would eventually be wrong with my daughter*. 

I remember messaging with one of my spouse’s cousins in those early days about sleep deprivation (she herself had her child a few years behorehand). She wrote to me: “I remember those days. It is so hard. You’re never quite prepared for how you will feel without sleep and getting up multiple times during the night. I struggled a lot with it and unfortunately my mental health suffered a lot during that time because of lack of sleep.” This was so true for my experience as well.

Many years ago, I worked in youth group homes. I was a casual staff while there, and so many shifts available to be picked up were overnight shifts. Therefore I lived the shift work life for a few years. I’d work double shifts when we had bad weather, or extended shifts when we had last minute sick calls from daytime staff. I knew what it was like to function on little to no sleep. Now fast forward to December 2020 when our baby arrived – well I was in the same boat as my spouse’s cousin. My past experiences could not prepare me for the intense schedule of waking and/or being available every 2-3 hours to feed our baby (and of course, being with her every hour otherwise, haha). I’m sure being almost a decade older didn’t help either!

I liken our early day experiences to running on fumes. You know your fuel light is on, but there aren’t any options to fill up. We were in full lockdown in Manitoba, with no family or close friends in the city or nearby.** No one was allowed to enter Manitoba from out-of-province unless they were willing to self-isolate for 14 days upon arriving. For our many family and friends in Ontario who were working, this simply was not feasible. (Also, it may have even been at that time that you could only visit for essential reasons. Unfortunately, our situation did not qualify).

So we were effectively alone and isolated. I have to say, I was grateful for the options we did have to stay in touch and communicate. It was uplifting to hang out over video calls, talk on the phone, and regularly sharing memes with one another. But what I wouldn’t have given for someone to hold my baby for a couple hours so I could shower, or so I could go out for a walk all by myself, or to have had a nap on my terms (probably top 3 worst pieces of unsolicited advice I received in those early days was to sleep when baby slept. It just wasn’t always possible. So I’m to sacrifice me-time to sleep? What about chores I haven’t been able to start on yet? No way am I wasting baby’s nap time on sleep!)

Anyway, I had many people tell me how well I and my spouse were doing out here on our own. I do believe we did the best we could given the circumstances. I mean, when you’re basically given no other option but to keep going, it can be astonishing what you are capable of. I think what helped keep me going was trying to maintain a positive perspective: that we gained a family member (so many people have lost loved ones since this pandemic began); that we fortunately had a safe, warm place to live; that our basic needs were met; that we still did have some form of support through virtual groups and speaking with family and friends; that we fortunately were financially okay to be able to get whatever food or items we needed (or wanted) from the beginning; and that we had an amazing support system that fulfilled just about all of our registry wishes and needs.

We chose to have a baby, but we did not expect that we would have to be doing it during a pandemic. I am so grateful for my daughter now, and did not know what the pandemic would bring by the time she was born, and beyond. We hoped things would be safer. We hoped some semblance of normal would return. But we never anticipated welcoming our child in the middle of a lockdown, and having to care for her all by ourselves.

There are so many people in Canada and around the world where people are not in safe environments, and/or in situations where their needs (basic and otherwise) are not being met. I’ve read stories of people in North America who became pregnant during this pandemic and it was simply too much to deal with. Countless people have lost jobs, homes, loved ones. To throw pregnancy into the mix is not manageable for many. And that is completely okay and understandable.

My spouse and I were an exception. We got by with help from afar (and now with more friends nearby as connections with other parents have been made), and have our basic needs and more being met. For anyone out there feeling all on their own, and facing a pregnancy they are completely unprepared and/or unsupported for, it is essential that they have the choice to continue with the pregnancy or not. Only the pregnant person can determine what they are capable of.

Anyone out there can read the story above (having a child all on our own in a new city, in the middle of a pandemic) and misapply it by saying “see, it’s possible! They did it, you can do it!” Of course I hope my story helps others to feel less alone. I hope what I have shared can help to validate others’ feelings who have been in similar circumstances. But I understand more than many why someone would not want to take this on if they were facing any lack of support or safety. We all have our own lives, our own desires. If you choose to take on parenthood, I will be cheering for you. If you decide it’s not right for you (whether right now, or ever), I will be cheering for you too.

* I do want to note that I am aware of Postpartum Depression (PPD) and Postpartum Anxiety (PPA) and felt that I was not experiencing these conditions. If you think you may be, please reach out to your doctor or healthcare provider.  We were in unique circumstances in the pandemic with the lack of family support and our usual support systems, and so I attributed much of what I experienced to that. It never hurts to look into things and ask questions.

** only exception to this was a dear friend who dropped off a care package to us made of home cooked/baked foods and an encouraging postcard in January 2021! Thank you K.