Christine Jones

I’m jealous of other moms

I’m jealous. I’m feeling very jealous of all of the moms I’ve connected with who are heading back to work. Meanwhile, I feel stuck at home.

Image courtesy of Andrea Piacquadio, pexels.com

I grew up with a mom who stayed at home. Stay-at-home mom, homemaker, housewife – whatever the term you use, she stayed at home to care for my younger brother and I, and to care for our home. I’ve only been at this staying at home thing for a year now with my child and it’s been an unusual time for us between being in a new city and in a pandemic. But I am certain I am not cut out for staying at home permanently. This isn’t a short-coming or anything, I realize. I admire moms and dads who do stay home and are so fulfilled from it. For me, I need something more personal, something outside of my home.

I’m in the situation that I don’t have a job to return to. As I’ve mentioned my partner and I moved partway across the country for him to begin an opportunity in Winnipeg July 2020, and I was not able to line up work ahead of our move. I continued to look once we got here, but I found it difficult.

Even though I knew at the time I had rights as a pregnant person to look for employment, that no one is allowed to ask if you are pregnant or planning to become pregnant (that is, as far as I know? If you know otherwise, please feel free to reach out to me!), I still stressed over potentially gaining employment. I stressed about having to notify my employer that I could only work a few months before needing to take a leave.

I came from work situations in the past where I could not (or felt I could not) express my needs. I once had a co-worker complain to me about a recent hire who did not disclose her pregnancy ahead of signing a 1-year contract. Once the hired person signed her contract, she shared that she was 4 months pregnant. My co-worker complained how inconvenient and selfish it was, even after explaining the new hire was a mom of 3 already, and was the parent in the family trying to find work to be able to provide for her family. I was shocked at the comments. Whatever the situation, it’s awful to speak about women/people in such a way. The job market can be tough sometimes, and people are doing their best to find something that suits and to be able to meet their needs. With such a poor assumption of that new hire, they made judgements about her before even getting to know her.

The experience has stuck with me. I know I can’t apply that same attitude and logic wherever I go, but it was disheartening to hear this (female) co-worker complaining like this. I thought about it a lot when I was job searching in 2020 while pregnant myself. Would people have that kind of reaction to me? It just stings a little more that a woman (who had children), was speaking of another woman this way. Of all people, you would think she would understand. It’s also such short-term thinking. The new hire could be an asset to the team long-term. You hired her for a reason in the first place!

Anyway, I realize I may also have some internalized patriarchy when I think about stay-at-home parents. I struggle to see how anyone could truly, fully enjoy being at home all hours of the day with their children, and/or caring for their home and household’s activities. I find it so unfair because so often it seems it is the mom in a hetero household that is saddled with these responsibilities (whether they have a full career or stay at home full-time). But I have to realize I don’t identify with it because it’s simply not something I want to do. Also, I’m in a privileged position that it’s a choice for our family. Of course we know with childcare costing so much these days, sometimes the only feasible way is for a parent to stay at home.

Photo Of Man Painting Cardboard — Image courtesy of Tatiana Syrikova, pexels.com

I think I also need to realize that house work and childcare has long been undervalued (or really, not valued at all). I don’t need to be throwing in that I don’t think it’s truly fulfilling. It should be recognized as an important part of our society, and it’s long time we show some appreciation for moms and dads who make this choice, or need to have a parent at home.

As for me, I look forward to searching for work opportunities soon. I am so glad I have the choice and can pursue it. I miss being out in the community and supporting important services and programs for vulnerable people. I’ll get back to it soon.

Organizing Pride Celebrations at one of my old jobs. Photos taken by me.

Now to focus on the positive…

A page from one of my many journals I have on the go. Photo by me.

Day after day is not going to be the highlights of your Instagram roll. I regularly remind myself of this and when I have a low energy day, a “bad” day, a “lazy” day – I let go the lack of productivity or goals I had for that day. (BTW: I don’t believe in laziness – I believe people rest when they are tired, and some need more rest than others! I’ve been appreciating seeing these sentiments on social media more often).

In my second blog post, I shared what I wish I had more energy for. I think many of my wishes are normal, common wishes parents (and I would hazard a guess that more so moms) have. I wanted to review the wishes and go over how some of them are unrealistic, what seems to be outside pressure, and help myself to remember what I am doing and enjoying. So here goes…

I wish I had more energy…

…to go on a walk on this beautiful fall day. When will I get a day like this again? I don’t want it to go to waste, do I? Okay if you look at the original post, I include a photo from a day where we went on a lovely walk and enjoyed a beautiful day! We went for many lovely walks around our neighbourhood throughout the fall. I used to hike occasionally before having my daughter, and wish I could have gotten out to hike with her this past fall. We didn’t get out to any provincial parks like I’d hoped, but we very much enjoyed our neighbourhood and a couple other parks in the city. I simply couldn’t figure out the hiking thing with my daughter yet. We will try again in the spring.

…to talk to my 10-month-old today. What if her language and speech is delayed because I don’t talk to her enough? Will she be able to communicate in age-appropriate ways as time goes on? Considering my spouse and I are the people who spend the most time with our daughter (and much of the time, it’s just her and I), I worry she is not hearing enough conversation. Sometimes I don’t narrate our actions enough, I don’t point to objects and name them enough. I have to remember now though that in recent months, we’ve been able to visit people, and have people visit us. As well, in the first few months of my daughter’s life, everything was virtual. I don’t think I appreciate that we’re getting out for activities we’ve registered for, and go on the occasional walk with friends and babies here in Winnipeg. Things are definitely better than where we were at earlier this year. We can continue to set goals and make plans. All will be good.

…to work on my daughter’s baby book. What if I regret someday not writing things down? What if she’s upset with me later in life for not keeping track of her milestones? I do not have a baby book or growth chart for reference from when I was a baby. Am I sad about it? No. Does it affect anything else in my life? No. It’s so lovely that my mother-in-law kept track of and wrote down many things for my spouse. As much as I have loved scrapbooking in the past, and like to do arts & crafts from time to time, I simply have not felt like I have the energy for keeping up a baby book. I also don’t appreciate how this task seems to fall to the mom in a hetero relationship. I will give my spouse credit here – he’s done more than I have with it I’m pretty sure! We’ll add what we can here and there but I am accepting that it’s not really my thing. I think what I would like to do is write letters to my daughter. I want to write them when I feel the need to (maybe each birthday, maybe somewhat randomly as life happens). I love my daughter deeply, and I know I will be able to reflect on that in my own way, and show her in my own way someday.

…to write a lovely Instagram/Facebook post about Halloween. I try to document the highlights – will I regret not having a “Baby’s First Halloween” post? How do people have the perfect photos and captions for every occasion and holiday? Ugh, I HATE Facebook. I prefer Instagram. Either way, I feel pressure around holidays to post something about my daughter and the activities we end up doing. We take pictures for everything, of course. I just don’t always share them on social media. I swear it feels like some people (moms) have every occasion covered. I am happy for them if that’s something they are enjoying. I do like to post when I find the time and am motivated. But if I miss an event or two, I can let it go. Honestly, I find life happening too fast at times to even think about telling everyone what we did. I also sometimes feel pressure or obligation to share almost, which is weird. That’s not why I should be sharing! If you ask me, I think we could all spend less time on social media. So I know at the end of the day, we had fun and we took photos. I don’t have to post it if I don’t want to. No one will even notice.

…to text my friends back. What if they see my activity on my socials and feel neglected? What if they feel like I don’t care about them? I have to remind myself that everyone has their moments of forgetting to reply, or getting distracted, or being busy and unable to answer – so why do I feel bad? I’m human! Also, if any friend or family member was to ever actually be upset with me for not replying, that’s on them. I’m not ignoring anyone on purpose, and if they are assuming this of me, well that’s not fair. That’s not how I am. So if I miss getting back to someone or I’m delayed, they can always reach out again. Or I will get back to them eventually.

…to tidy up my home. Is the clutter making me feel worse and chaotic? Why do I leave piles of things everywhere all the time? I don’t like my clutter piles. They are something I’ve been working on for a long time. I’ve found it really helpful to follow KC Davis of Struggle Care on IG for tips and ways to manage. I also have at times employed minimalist strategies, particularly when it comes to paper (thank you Marie Kondo!) I’m forever trying to let go of things that no longer serve me or are no longer useful. All I can do is be kind to myself and forgive myself sometimes when things become messy.

…for my hobbies. Do I even still like my hobbies? When will I have time for them again? Oh I’m getting there! Starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel when baby seems to be especially dependent on the parent who takes a leave (which is often mom I suppose). We also had the breastfeeding things going (still do). But I’d like to work towards more independence for her, and for me. We’ve had a great year doing it. We were fortunate to have that going for us. But anyway hobbies – I need to schedule myself a little better. I can set time for myself to do things that fulfil me and are fun. At times, I need to try a little harder to do what I love, and not so easily cave to Netflix.

…to shower. How many days has it been now – why can I not keep track? Why am I overwhelmed at this simple task? It’s probably not as bad as I think it is – I just forget haha! If If I don’t feel like showering some days, meh. I know hygiene can be a real struggle for some people, particularly when dealing with depression and/or other mental health problems. I am caring for myself and if I go an extra day without a shower, it will be fine.

Sometimes my thoughts feel like the scene below. I just need to try and leave them be, let go of the worries and allow myself to live in the moment. I can work on my planning, and set goals. But sometimes life is chaos and I need to accept that. We are doing just fine.

My daughter learning 52 Pick-Up. Photo by me.

Note to Self: You are doing amazingly!

But damn, it’s been the hardest challenge of my life (and it’s still going)…

Photo of postcard from a dear friend I met in Winnipeg. Postcard made by Knock Knock LLC © 2018

Back in January/February of 2021, in the early days of navigating parenthood, my negative thoughts and negative self-talk were relentless. I was exhausted (as is the case for many). My lack of sleep really fed into my usual negative thinking and anxiety/depression. I obsessed over what was missing, what seemed to be going wrong, and what I thought could go wrong or what would eventually be wrong with my daughter*.

I remember messaging with one of my spouse’s cousins in those early days about sleep deprivation (she herself had her child a few years behorehand). She wrote to me: “I remember those days. It is so hard. You’re never quite prepared for how you will feel without sleep and getting up multiple times during the night. I struggled a lot with it and unfortunately my mental health suffered a lot during that time because of lack of sleep.” This was so true for my experience as well.

Many years ago, I worked in youth group homes. I was a casual staff while there, and so many shifts available to be picked up were overnight shifts. Therefore I lived the shift work life for a few years. I’d work double shifts when we had bad weather, or extended shifts when we had last minute sick calls from daytime staff. I knew what it was like to function on little to no sleep. Now fast forward to December 2020 when our baby arrived – well I was in the same boat as my spouse’s cousin. My past experiences could not prepare me for the intense schedule of waking and/or being available every 2-3 hours to feed our baby (and of course, being with her every hour otherwise, haha). I’m sure being almost a decade older didn’t help either!

Image courtesy of Erik McLean, pexels.com

I liken our early day experiences to running on fumes. You know your fuel light is on, but there aren’t any options to fill up. We were in full lockdown in Manitoba, with no family or close friends in the city or nearby.** No one was allowed to enter Manitoba from out-of-province unless they were willing to self-isolate for 14 days upon arriving. For our many family and friends in Ontario who were working, this simply was not feasible. (Also, it may have even been at that time that you could only visit for essential reasons. Unfortunately, our situation did not qualify).

So we were effectively alone and isolated. I have to say, I was grateful for the options we did have to stay in touch and communicate. It was uplifting to hang out over video calls, talk on the phone, and regularly sharing memes with one another. But what I wouldn’t have given for someone to hold my baby for a couple hours so I could shower, or so I could go out for a walk all by myself, or to have had a nap on my terms (probably top 3 worst pieces of unsolicited advice I received in those early days was to sleep when baby slept. It just wasn’t always possible. So I’m to sacrifice me-time to sleep? What about chores I haven’t been able to start on yet? No way am I wasting baby’s nap time on sleep!)

Anyway, I had many people tell me how well I and my spouse were doing out here on our own. I do believe we did the best we could given the circumstances. I mean, when you’re basically given no other option but to keep going, it can be astonishing what you are capable of. I think what helped keep me going was trying to maintain a positive perspective: that we gained a family member (so many people have lost loved ones since this pandemic began); that we fortunately had a safe, warm place to live; that our basic needs were met; that we still did have some form of support through virtual groups and speaking with family and friends; that we fortunately were financially okay to be able to get whatever food or items we needed (or wanted) from the beginning; and that we had an amazing support system that fulfilled just about all of our registry wishes and needs.

We chose to have a baby, but we did not expect that we would have to be doing it during a pandemic. I am so grateful for my daughter now, and did not know what the pandemic would bring by the time she was born, and beyond. We hoped things would be safer. We hoped some semblance of normal would return. But we never anticipated welcoming our child in the middle of a lockdown, and having to care for her all by ourselves.

There are so many people in Canada and around the world where people are not in safe environments, and/or in situations where their needs (basic and otherwise) are not being met. I’ve read stories of people in North America who became pregnant during this pandemic and it was simply too much to deal with. Countless people have lost jobs, homes, loved ones. To throw pregnancy into the mix is not manageable for many. And that is completely okay and understandable.

My spouse and I were an exception. We got by with help from afar (and now with more friends nearby as connections with other parents have been made), and have our basic needs and more being met. For anyone out there feeling all on their own, and facing a pregnancy they are completely unprepared and/or unsupported for, it is essential that they have the choice to continue with the pregnancy or not. Only the pregnant person can determine what they are capable of.

Anyone out there can read the story above (having a child all on our own in a new city, in the middle of a pandemic) and misapply it by saying “see, it’s possible! They did it, you can do it!” Of course I hope my story helps others to feel less alone. I hope what I have shared can help to validate others’ feelings who have been in similar circumstances. But I understand more than many why someone would not want to take this on if they were facing any lack of support or safety. We all have our own lives, our own desires. If you choose to take on parenthood, I will be cheering for you. If you decide it’s not right for you (whether right now, or ever), I will be cheering for you too.

* I do want to note that I am aware of Postpartum Depression (PPD) and Postpartum Anxiety (PPA) and felt that I was not experiencing these conditions. If you think you may be, please reach out to your doctor or healthcare provider. We were in unique circumstances in the pandemic with the lack of family support and our usual support systems, and so I attributed much of what I experienced to that. It never hurts to look into things and ask questions.

** only exception to this was a dear friend who dropped off a care package to us made of home cooked/baked foods and an encouraging postcard in January 2021! Thank you K.

I wish I had more energy…

Image courtesy of Liza Summer, pexels.com

Maybe it was the time change, and now the shortening days. Maybe it’s the dumping of snow we’ve gotten in Winnipeg. Maybe it’s pandemic fatigue. Maybe it’s my partner and I [mostly] on our own caring for our daughter since she came into the world last December mid-lockdown. Maybe it’s all of the above. Whatever it is, I have definitely noticed a shift in energy the last couple months. But it’s also been a long year. Well, more than a year now.

I find I’m often saying to myself “I should clean this”, “I should call this person”, “I should put away this clean laundry that’s been sitting in our bedroom for the last five days”, and so on. These continuous “I shoulds” tire me out. I then find I’m saying to myself “I wish I had more energy to do X, Y, and Z”, and seem to make endless lists in my mind. I also have endless lists going on my Google Keep, various Google Docs, written lists in various journals/notebooks, and on scraps of paper, and probably in more places that I can’t recall at the moment. I struggle with focusing on the negative sometimes. I hone in on what’s missing as opposed to what I am doing, what I am accomplishing. Some of these lists and tasks in my head lead to anxiety and worries, usually unrealistic or catastrophized.

Over the last several weeks, I’ve written down some things that I wish I had more energy for, and the resulting guilt/worries/doubts that have come along with those unfulfilled (so far) wishes. I usually feel better when I can journal about my thoughts and feelings (or now blog about them!) Vocalizing all of my “shoulds” and wishes might help me to better define some goals, and to help me go easier on myself (because the next step in this process should be responding to these wishes with things I’ve actually done!)

I wish I had more energy…

…to go on a walk on this beautiful fall day. When will I get a day like this again? I don’t want it to go to waste, do I?

View from the River Walk on the Assiniboine River in Winnipeg, MB. Taken by me.

…to talk to my 10-month-old today. What if her language and speech is delayed because I don’t talk to her enough? Will she be able to communicate in age-appropriate ways as time goes on?

…to work on my daughter’s baby book. What if I regret someday not writing things down? What if she’s upset with me later in life for not keeping track of her milestones?

…to text my friends back. What if they see my activity on my socials and feel neglected? What if they feel like I don’t care about them?

…to tidy up my home. Is the clutter making me feel worse and chaotic? Why do I leave piles of things everywhere all the time?

Image courtesy of Jill Burrow, pexels.com

…to shower. How many days has it been now – why can I not keep track? Why am I overwhelmed at this simple task?

…for my hobbies. Do I even still like my hobbies? When will I have time for them again?*

When I do have any time or a free moment, I feel the need to zone out to escape from my life. I am so grateful for my daughter and so happy she’s here with us. My daughter is the reason I smile or laugh many days. Seeing her experience the world, and discover/learn new things just about every single day is incredibly fascinating. She gives me a lot of hope, especially when there are days where it feels like it’s hard to find any.

But I cannot neglect to mention how exhausting and all-consuming it is to have a child (particularly in a pandemic and in a new city, away from a usual support system). It is so important we all have a choice when and if we want to have a child. When forced birthers and so-called pro-life people try to use the sentiment above to guilt people into having a child, it’s absolutely unfair. If a person desires a child and feels ready and able, that is amazing! If a person doesn’t feel prepared in any given regard (financial, emotional, physical, anything), then it is absolutely not fair to try and influence their decision on how they would (or would not) like to proceed with their pregnancy. Far too often, people are emotionally manipulated or guilted into continuing their pregnancy when they may have chosen otherwise.

All this to say, the past 18 months+ have been emotionally and mentally draining in too many ways to count. I already struggled to work on the pieces in my life that aren’t working for me, and continue to be easily overwhelmed by fairly minor things at times. Before I know it, it’s been months since I’ve replied to messages, dusted a certain shelf, worked on a particular home project, the list goes on (I will write more on this in another post as I want to air out why I think I am the way I am, and reflect on how I’ve gotten to where I’m at today). Adding a child into the mix has been very hard at times. Only you yourself can decide if you’re ready and able to take on the challenge of raising a human being – whether in a pandemic or otherwise. For now, I think I’ll look at the possibility of adding a nap to my day. Whatever you need to do to get by I say! But like not even to get by, but to feel your best (guess it depends on the kind of day you’re having!)

* This course has been a big undertaking for me. Although it’s not a hobby, thinking about hobbies has me thinking about what I like to do, which has me thinking about how I used to spend my time before having a kid, which in turn makes me think about work. I miss the stimulation of work, the challenges that come along with it (the positive ones, not the difficult co-worker challenges or things like that, haha). I’m going to write more on my thoughts and feelings of seeing many people and fellow moms I’ve met during my parental leave returning to work. In short – I’m jealous!

Hi, I’m Christine

I’ve started this blog as part of a University of Toronto Continuing Studies Course (Foundations of Digital Communications Strategy & Social Media). But, my eyes have been opened to the many possibilities of writing online. I’m keen to keep going on here even once I’m done my course.

Setting up this blog has been very challenging for me, for a few reasons. First off, I’ve been a mom since December 2020 (yes I know, pandemic baby – haven’t heard that one before 😅😬). I also moved partway across the country during this same pandemic! I’ve called Winnipeg home since July 2020, having moved from Ottawa. With these major life events, my partner and I have been on our own with our little family in Winnipeg since that time.

My partner (right) and I the morning after our stay in Timmins, ON, headed into Day 2 of driving to Winnipeg. June 2020.

There is so much I want to say – so much I’ve been trying to process since the onset of the pandemic, and since becoming a parent. I struggled to kick start this project as I unfortunately have a habit of overloading and shutting down (I will write more on this in a future blog post!) Also, I was already an easily distractible person. Now with a child in the mix, my brain feels like it’s in a perpetual spin. Kids are an incredibly big, life-altering experience (which is why I’m pro-abortion. I don’t believe anyone should be forced to have a child they never planned for and don’t want, nor should potential children’s lives be some sort of consequence – that’s a weird forced birther line I see a lot: “shouldn’t have had sex if you didn’t want to get pregnant!” Uhhh, okay… I plan to write more about abortion in future blog posts too).

Anyway, back on track to my introduction – it honestly was so helpful to read the sample intro post here on WordPress about how I’m “…not locked into any of this”, and to be reminded that I can just get started. It doesn’t have to be perfect, but this can be a really hard sentiment for me. Sometimes, I feel like I need to have every piece planned all the way out, and all of these little pieces need to add up into the most ideal product that I put forward. I obsess over this to the point that I don’t end up doing anything! All of the thinking paralyzes me. What’s frustrating is that I am aware of this, but I cannot seem to change. Well, at least so far in life I haven’t quite figured out how to get past those hang-ups. But thankfully, I eventually reach a breaking point and I grow tired of fussing and holding myself up. So here we are, writing my first blog post – finally.

I’m here to write about my personal experiences and share some thoughts on my life. From my work in fundraising and volunteer management, to becoming a parent in the middle of a pandemic (in a new city to boot), and all kinds of things in between. But also, I want to discuss the important topic of Reproductive Justice and Abortion Access in Canada. My plan is to work towards a full-fledged blog on this latter topic, as it is something not discussed often enough. I hope I can highlight some amazing non-profits fighting for access and raising awareness of the situation for many women and gender diverse people throughout Canada.

*** HEY while we’re talking about it, let me tell you about a great organization right here, Abortion Rights Coalition of Canada (ARCC), that I’m a proud member of! ***

In conclusion (very cliché, but I was never great at writing anyway, haha), I’m excited to contribute to #digitaledu, to work on content that matters to me, and to learn (and I’ve already learned so much!) Now please enjoy this attempt at a nice photo with my daughter in the park before we got hit with a ton of snow earlier this month 😅